Good luck and enjoy the trip. Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. They always ended up going to what one of them called armpit towns. Even if they went someplace cool, they rarely had time to do anything ever. Thats an unreasonable stance. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). Your husband is being unreasonable. Be ready to beg, borrow, steal to brainwash your partner to start traveling with you. Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. I got a sense of that with first part of the letter, but then the follow-up indicated he said his pals would not LET their spouses/sig others go well, thats a pretty bright red flag there. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. I wouldnt want him to go with work but only because I wouldnt want him to go without me, its our place! I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. You can make decisions for yourself! Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. So anything that could be perceived poorly at their church is not allowed. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. should I be so emotionally drained by managing? I have one. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Husband may be dealing with separation anxiety, and instead of communicating that, is using Las Vegas When I was years into my emotionally abusive first marriage, I had a long list of all the ways he was great. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. Sin City. Has it been made perfectly clear that this trip isnt a mini-vacay/reward on the companys dime, but is -in fact- a work trip where you will be doing work? For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. And voila- you're on the coast! It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. I dont think you necessarily need to fear him, but as other commenters have said, there are parts of this that seem dangerous and disturbing from our perspective. Why do you feel this way?. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. I think part of this relates back to a topic thats come up here before: people who dont travel for work think its fun but the people who do travel for work spend the whole time in meetings, seminars, conferences, and never get to explore whatever city theyre in. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. But other things may be reasonable eg nightly call ins and letting husband know that she is not going to call or answer his calls during the day. One day was outside. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. But in her mind, as another comment perfectly said, as soon as the sun sets, everyone is a drunk driving, human trafficking, drug kingpin. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. You dont get PERMISSION, you agree that something is good, or you dont, but this bs about him letting you go on a work trip is just gross. He definitely is the one that needs the work, but ideally I would think they should have both couples sessions and individual sessions for him. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. The trip should take about 2 and a half hours, but it took about 3 and a half because we had to stop so I could feed my daughter and change her. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. Youd have to make an effort to get kidnapped, I think. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. Exactly this. I'm scheduled for a c-section on September 21st and although it's not that far away, it's definitely not as close as I would like it to be. It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. Needless to say, I did not find this a compelling argument for reconciling. My boyfriend loves Las Vegas, Ive gone several times and always have an excellent time. But she did not mention that she had her picture taken with male strippers that she would never told me if hadnt found them. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic. So theyre officially still working there. I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. I don't think it won't be that bad though. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. Yes!! But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. BTW, I hate the what happens in Vegas slogan and commercials as someone who did have a relationship end because of my partners infidelity, its not something that I find funny or amusing, and I cant imagine Im alone in that. That is the problem. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. See a g- d- counsellor. Im so glad I made that choice. my brain had done, we laughed), but absolutely had that reaction. But I suspect if I went for leisure, Id be bored out of my ever-loving mind. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. So yeah somethings just not right. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. Everyone else said she deserved it! When I go Im all about getting to as many different and awesome restaurants as humanly possible, and sitting by a pool with a book, when some of my friends go its about the nightlife, when my husband goes its about the sportsbook (this was my long way of saying that I agree with you). Also by facing the problem together wife will know what steps he need she to do to get better on this/call him out if he isnt doing it. You are not alone with this. Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. On top of everything Allison said, it might work to show him how normal business travel to Las Vegas is. In fact, were taking separate vacations this year not to Vegas, but we each wanted something completely different, so were going at different times to different parts of the world. Thank you, other wise my husband is very supportive. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. Though those are also the traditional bogeymen for women out on their own, as evidenced by the many people talking about their mothers fears. Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. Whenever we had a fight he would kowtow me with how everyone agreed with him and had various complaints about me that theyd apparently shared with him but never brought to me. She worries about me being out alone after dark and it gets dark at 4:30 p.m. in the winter here. Iam lost. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). Exactly. As it were. That may be an overreaction, but something clearly isnt working between you two, and he sounds emotionally abusive. Dont try to rationally argue with him; much like a toddler, he isnt thinking rationally and it will get you nowhere. 5. Charleston. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. OP, I really hesitate to use the word abuse when it comes to anyone elses relationship, but this post is giving me bad flash backs to a boyfriend who did this kind of thing to me all the time and I now know that it was psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. I love New Orleans! Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party. Dont answer the phone? To me, that means childish. And added to that: if the husband doesnt believe its his issue, hes not likely to be willing to do the work of finding a therapist and getting therapy. Im going to a conference there in November for in-depth training on our electronic medical records system (not exactly a party subject! (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) Sure, that could be the problem. My SO has been to more conferences in Vegas than I think anywhere else because of the ease with which hotel rooms can be acquired. A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? :-). OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. Look at it again. -03-2022, 0 Comments We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. Kj will notice if you dont come home one night.. Cuz he was awesome.). Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. LW, my husband would be honestly fine with me going to Vegas. But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. From so many comments above, what people are missing here is that none of us knows whether the LWs husband is an anxiety sufferer or a control freak. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . We partially worked around it by him pack me an automotive emergency kit since rental cars tend to lack flares, reflectors, etc. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!!
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